Here is a few bits and pieces you might find amusing.
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MUSINGS OF AN OLDER WOMAN
I should be worth a fortune! Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, stones in my kidneys, lead in my feet and gas in my stomach! I still see a number of gentleman every day. I get up with the help of Will Power, then I go to see John. Soon Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to be with Johnny walker. I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. The parson called the other day and said I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him: Oh, I do, all the time. Whenever I find myself in the sitting room, kitchen, bedroom or down in the basement, I ask myself: Now what am I here after?"
Police officer: Why didn't you stop when I shouted to you?"
Motorist: "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize it was a policeman yelling - I thought it was someone I'd run over.
“Grandma" asked the inquisitive four year old, "what happens when a car is too old to run anymore?" "Easy" grandma replied. "Some¬ one sells it to your grandfather."
Driving in the country, a motorist came across a car pulled to the side of the road with a puncture. Next to the car stood an attractive young lady looking very worried. Feeling very manly and heroic, the motorist stopped and offered assistance. He quickly changed the wheel and was letting the jack down when the woman asked “Please let it down gently – my husband is asleep it the back.”
A motorist's description of a tree: something that stands in the same place for hundreds of years and then suddenly jumps out behind a reversing car.
The young motorist pulled up and smiled when the female police officer told him sternly that he had been doing over 80mph. "Isn't that great!" he exclaimed. "And I am only just learning to drive!"
A motorcycle police officer was patrolling a busy motorway. He was horrified to see a young man driving at high speed, holding the steering wheel between his knees and playing the guitar. The police officer signalled to the young man to pull over and asked angrily, "Don't you know you're endangering people's lives driving like that?" "Afraid I don't, officer," the young man replied, "but if you hum it, I'll try and strum along."
So Henry, is it true that you have bought a Beetle? Whatever do you want a little car like that for?" "Well, Godfrey, my chauffeur needs something to stand on while he washes the limo."
The Sunday school teacher was telling her class if 6 year olds how Lot's wife turned into a pilliar of salt, when one small boy quickly added, "My mum looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a lamp-post."
The driver of a new car stopped at a road junction, on and was driven into by the car behind. Ise damage was minimal, so she just glared at the offender and drove on. At the next set of lights the same thing happened. After the third collision guilty driver got out of his car and came over
to swap insurance details. "Never mind that," said the woman. "Just give me a five-minute head start.”
A couple ran out of fuel whilst ran out of petrol whilst driving in the country; being a gentleman, the husband got out of the car and started to push it to the top of it painfully steep hill with his wife at the wheel. On reaching the top, the wife called out, "That was a very steep hill are you ok? I am sure that the car would have rolled back on you if I hadn't kept the brakes on."
A businessman was in his office when his young son called, "Dad, mum ran over my bike when she backed out of the garage this morning." The businessman took a deep breath and replied: "How many times have I told you, don't leave your hike in the middle of the lawn!"
Ken: "So how long did it take your wife to learn to drive?"
Pete: "About two-and-a-half cars."
A Busy Intersection
A Busy Intersection in an outer suburban area during the morning peak traffic period. Traffic lights controlled the heavy flow along the intersecting roads, and standing on one corner, a Traffic Officer alert for infringements. An approaching car caught the policeman's attention - an early model 6/110, very shabby and packed with children. A harassed looking woman was at the wheel of a car literally crammed with kids. As the Wolseley chugged up to the intersection the signal turned amber and then red, but the Wolseley kept on coming, crossed the white line and stopped just short of the corncr. The Officer acted. He ' stepped out in front of the Wolseley,stared from the front of the car back to the line it had over-run, ran his eyes over the car and its load of children, then approached the driver. 'Lady" , he said, "Didn't you know where . to stop?" The woman bared her teeth at him. "They're not all mine Officer", she snarled.
A young woman, had just passed her driving too and was driving through a small village at 80KM/PH, "I'm sorry, officer," she said when stopped. "My brakes are very had and I wanted to get home before I had an accident."
Motorist: "Can I insure my car against loss by fire?"
Insurance Salesman: "Certainly, sir, and why not also considering insuring against theft as well?"
Motorist: "Don't be so silly! Who would steal a burning car?"
A police officer stopped a motorist and enquired, "How long have you been driving with your rear tail light out?" The motorist climbed out of his car and immediately fell to his knees in despair screaming “no…no….oh no no”. "It's not that serious," the police officer said. "That's what you think," yelled the distraught motorist. "Where is my caravan?!"
Bob "Why is one side of your car painted blue and the other side red?"
Steve: "If I ever have an accident, none of the witness statements match up."
Judge “I’m sorry, sir, but if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?"
Motorist: "honestly, your Honour, I was going to, as soon as she decided which half she wanted."
A woman on holiday with her friends in Greece was having her picture taken in front of the ruins of a Greek temple. "Whatever you do, don't get the car in the picture," she said "My husband will say I ran into the place."
Didn’t you realize it was a one-way street? Didn't you see the arrows?"
"Arrows?...... I didn't even see the Indians."
The small sports car carne round the corner on two wheels, mounted the pavement, and crashed into a post box outside the Red Lion. Confused, and bruised all over, the driver managed to drag himself into the pub and collapsed by the bar. "Quick!" called one of the customers, "Get him a glass of water!" The driver opened one eye and painfully said, "How much damage do I need to do to myself for a double brandy?"
Motorist: "When you sold me this car, you assured me it was rust free!"
Car dealer: "Well, to be honest, sir, we didn't charge you for the rust, did we?"
Motorist: "But he crashed into me, Officer, and I know I had the right -I way! How can it possibly be my fault?"
Police officer: "I'm sorry, sir, but his father is a judge, his brother is the chief constable and I'm engaged to his sister."
The police officer climbed out of his car and the young lad who was stopped for speeding rolled his window down. "I've been waiting for you all day," the police officer said. The young lad looked up at the officer and replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I m going to work this out on my calculator and think you will be pleasantly surprised.
A close friend of mine, married for 20 years, told me the other day that he proposed to his wife in a parked car. Which just goes to show it is possible to have a nasty accident in a car, even when stationary."
Driving to work this morning on the motor way, I looked to my left and there was a woman iii a sports car doing 65 miles per hour with her face up to her rear-view mirror putting on eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It shocked me so much that I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, which spilled all over my mobile phone."
police officer spotted a young woman motorist about to turn into a one-way street from the wrong end. "You can't turn left, madam," the Police officer commented. "Oh, yes I can," she replied, "I learnt that in my second lesson."
Last week a car dealer tried to sell a friend of mine a classic sports car that was so old it didn't have a clock on the dashboard, it had a sundial.
Parking meters had just been installed in a quiet village high street. A poodle dog walked up to the first one in the row and muttered, "Unbelievable! What a liberty! Pay toilets!"
Driving through the country a young lady motorist narrowly missed a head-on collision when a white van came swerving around a corner. As the two motorists passed each other, the driver of the white van leaned out of his window and shouted, "Cow!" Angered by this the lady motorist lowered her window and yelled back, "Pig!" As the young lady continued around the corner she drove straight into the back of the largest cow she had ever seen.
Slow down, you are driving too fast! You wouldn't drive like this if you were on your test, would you?" "When I take one, I'll let you know."
So is your wife a good driver?" "Well, let's put it this way. If the road turns it the same time she does, it's a coincidence."
Traffic policeman: "Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?"
Motorist: "I'm awfully sorry. I thought you shouted: "Good morning, Chief Constable." Traffic policeman: "That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that there is a traffic jam ahead and you should follow me on a slight detour."
Statistics have proved that it takes approximately ten thousand bolts and screws to build a modern car today, but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
The police officer answered the phone and a drunken voice said excitedly, "Please can you get round here as quick as possible? Somebody has stolen the steering wheel, pedals and dashboard in my car!" The police officer promised to send someone round as soon as possible, but then a few minutes later the phone rang again and the same drunken voice explained, "It's awright, offisher - I got in the back seat by mistake!"
My girlfriend took her driving test yesterday and came home with three tickets on the written part alone!
You wouldn't believe I'd bought this car second hand would you?"
"No, I thought you'd built it yourself."
An old man was driving back from town with
is wife continually providing unwanted advice from the back seat. When they arrived at a level crossing, the car stalled halfway across the line, just as a train came roaring towards them. "Move, you idiot!" screamed the man's wife. "Get the car off the tracks!" The old man turned and calmly replied, "You've been doing all the driving from the back seat, and I've got my end across - see what you can do with yours."
Motorist: "Excuse me, can you tell me how far it is to Wellington?"
Local: "Well, the way you're going about 24,999 miles, but if you turn round it's just over a mile away."